Narcissistic Family Abuse is a systemic issue resulting in the chronic maltreatment of a child / adult child, often in the form of scapegoating. Child victims and adult survivors will need to pursue individualized healing as healing the narcissistic family system is rarely possible. Adult survivors who seek to recover from this form of insidious systemic abuse can benefit from practicing the eleven guiding recovery principles covered in this article.
I’m so pleased to be able to write for my blog again after an unexpected health emergency resulted in my needing to take a 7-month medical leave of absence. I’m still on the mend but overall doing well and I am enjoying reconnecting with clients, YouTube subscribers, and all of you who have subscribed to receive my articles on family scapegoating abuse (FSA). This month I’m focusing on Narcissistic Family Abuse, which invariably includes the scapegoating of a child / adult child family member.
If you’d prefer to hear this discussion via my YouTube channel, you can watch my video on recovering from Narcissistic Family Abuse here.
In my introductory book on family scapegoating abuse (FSA), Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, I distinguish between dysfunctional family systems that scapegoat versus narcissistic family scapegoating abuse. As I have repeatedly stressed in this blog (and elsewhere), family scapegoating abuse is systemic and can occur in any type of dysfunctional family system, not just a narcissistic one; however, when scapegoating is driven primarily by a narcissist – or even a malignant narcissist – the damage to the targeted child / adult child can be severe, as discussed in my article The Scapegoat Child and the Malignant Narcissist Parent.
If you have been impacted by a family system that was narcissistic in its construction (this includes covert narcissism as well as overt), it is unlikely that anyone within your family-of-origin (including extended family members) has acknowledged the various types of ‘invisible’ (psycho-emotional) abuse you were subjected to, regardless of how many times you’ve tried to explain it (read my article Recognizing Narcissistic Family Scapegoating Abuse to learn more about what makes a family system narcissistic).
Alternatively, you may just be waking up to the fact that you suffered from ‘hidden’ abuse growing up and that your nervous system has been affected – Specifically, my original FSA research revealed that many FSA adult survivors suffer from complex trauma (C-PTSD) symptoms, something I discuss at length in my book and in various articles here on my blog.
You may be wondering how you can heal from what might seem like a lifetime of gaslighting, reality distortion, and other types of maltreatment that may have been covertly or openly supported by members of your family – the same family members who today blatantly dismiss and/or ignore your distress and/or deny the ways in which they have actively contributed to it.
You’re not alone – Nearly all adult survivors of FSA who have worked with me in my private practice have initially wondered the same thing.
Below are eleven guiding principles I developed to support my FSA recovery coaching clients in their healing process from narcissistic family abuse, which you may find helpful as well:
- Cultivate the belief that healing from narcissistic family abuse is possible: So many clients feel completely hopeless when they first come to see me for help with their family issues. When the family dysfunction and/or abuse is severe, they will typically express that they feel shattered, broken, helpless, and afraid, while letting me know that they doubt any type of healing or recovery is possible for them. What I say to these clients is “Believe nothing; entertain possibilities.” I also let these same clients know that I will always see (and reflect) their innate wholeness while we work together until they can experience this at/one/ment within themselves. As the poet and musician Leonard Cohen once wrote, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” This sentiment is captured perfectly in the Japanese art of Kintsugi (today’s featured blog photo), which is a process of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with urushi lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. The cracks, now filled with precious metals, create a uniquely beautiful work of art, which provides a wonderful analogy for healing from family abuse and the reclamation and restoration of our true self.
- Don’t expect others to understand what happened to you in your family-of-origin: Most people simply will not ‘get’ the types of behaviors you’ve been subjected to within your narcissistic family system, including siblings or extended relatives you thought might possibly relate to your experiences. Remember, narcissistic family abuse is often subtle and covert. It can be difficult to pinpoint and recognize, making it an extremely challenging form of abuse to describe to others. Sadly, the response you’re most likely to get from people who don’t understand this form of abuse is, “Why can’t you just get over your childhood and move on?” (or something to that effect).
- Narcissistic family members will not take responsibility for their harmful behaviors – ever: When it comes to dealing with a narcissist or narcissistically-driven systemic processes, it is critical that one is clear on the type of person and dynamics they are dealing with. Narcissism is an intractable condition. The narcissistic family member(s) who behave abusively toward you, whether covertly or overtly, are not going to change. This means your family system dynamics also will not change. Narcissists do not have the ego strength to examine themselves honestly and admit when they are wrong. They rarely willingly enter individual or family therapy. Instead, they engage in behavior known as ‘DARVO’ (Dr. Jennifer Freyd), which stands for ‘Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender’. Learn more about DARVO and family scapegoating abuse in my article here: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/01/07/darvo-when-the-abused-are-revictimized-by-their-abuser/
- Healing from Narcissistic Family Abuse is a one-person job (with support from helpful outsiders): Although the journey is long and fraught with challenges, healing from the damage of narcissistic family abuse is possible, but only if you are willing to make significant changes and take the necessary steps required to recover from the various psycho-emotional injuries you’ve sustained. Having the support of a knowledgeable, trauma-informed therapist who has a good understanding of Family Systems and family roles (including the ‘scapegoat’ or ‘Identified Patient’ role) can make all the difference in your recovery progression. A support group of some kind, whether in-person or online, can also be incredibly helpful. I encourage you to check out this list of recovery resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case something catches your interest.
- Awareness is the first step in the healing/recovery journey: You cannot possibly heal from something which you have no understanding of. Said differently, you cannot tend to a wound if you don’t even know where the wound is. Therefore, educating yourself and learning all you can from trustworthy sources who are knowledgeable (and ideally appropriately accredited) in the areas of narcissism, ‘invisible’ abuse, and dysfunctional / narcissistic family systems is critical. As you learn to identify behaviors associated with narcissistic family abuse, you can explore what effect these types of maltreatment have had on you and what changes you will need to make to protect yourself from further harm.
- Let go of the need to understand WHY: “Why does my family treat me this way?” “Why am I the scapegoat?” “Why can’t they see what they’re doing to me?” And on and on it goes. Wanting to understand the ‘why’ of narcissistic family abuse or ‘why’ narcissists behave the way they do is entirely understandable, but these sorts of ruminations will not serve you in the end and are a waste of your intrapsychic energy – energy that is better spent on thoughts, actions, and behaviors that support your healing and recovery.
- Open Yourself Up to Grief, Anger (aka ‘Righteous Rage’), and Radical Acceptance: I’ve discussed all three of these facets of recovery in multiple blog articles here, as well as in my book. What’s important to note is that as you begin to understand and accept what happened to you in your family (including the injustices you’ve experienced that are unlikely to ever be righted, and the losses you’ve suffered that are unlikely to ever be fully and properly recognized and acknowledged – by anyone), you will slowly come to realize that you cannot change or correct the past. You will also need to eventually accept that you cannot change your dysfunctional/narcissistic family system dynamics, which are more than likely being driven by generations of unrecognized trauma (including ancestral trauma). Such an unreserved, complete and total acceptance of reality just as it is is known as ‘radical acceptance’, and the idea (and act) of forgiveness may or may not factor into this, depending on your personal beliefs. There’s also a (trauma-informed) reason I focus on ‘radical acceptance’ versus ‘forgiveness’ when it comes to any type of abuse when working with my clients, which you can learn more about by reading my article on radical acceptance.
- Understand you did nothing to cause your own abuse: This should seem obvious, but clinically we know that many adult survivors of narcissistic family abuse question their reality due to having been gaslighted by one or both parents growing up (gaslighting is when the abuser intentionally distorts reality to control and/or subdue their victim). You may have had it drilled into your head that any issues you have in regard to family relationships are YOUR fault – which directly corresponds with ‘DARVO’ (mentioned earlier in this article). This is how a child is instilled with toxic shame, which in turn leads to self-doubt, low self-esteem, fear, and trauma responses like ‘fawning along with ‘submit’ behaviors. If you have a history of blaming yourself when other people treat you badly, I encourage you to explore how this may tie into your family-of-origin dynamics. Part of the tragedy of childhood abuse is that we tend to “go to what we know,” which is why many narcissistic family abuse survivors find themselves involved with abusive, narcissistic people as adults. Understanding at the deepest level that your being abused has nothing to do with your character, anything you did or did not do, and who you were or are serves as a good antidote against ending up with yet another abuser.
- Learn what boundaries are – and how to set them (and hold them): I once heard this saying: “Without boundaries, there is no true freedom.” This may seem paradoxical but it is an intriguing concept to think about. For example, can we be a ‘true self’, i.e., truly a ‘self’, if we are boundary-less – If you don’t know where you end and another person begins? If you feel guilty or experience a sense of shame when you set limits, you were likely conditioned since birth to be enmeshed with others and codependent and/or you may have developed the ‘fawn’ trauma response as a means of surviving your narcissistic family system – something you may wish to further investigate and explore. One thing I warn my clients about: Be prepared for the you-know-what to hit the fan when you begin to communicate your boundaries clearly with others, including family members, and even long-term friends. Your having boundaries when you formerly did not have them can be disconcerting – even shocking – to others, especially if you were a ‘fawn’ type and easy to manipulate and control. Expect to encounter resistance and expect to feel pressured to “change back” to how you once were so others can feel comfortable again – at the expense of your self-hood. And do all you can to stand your ground and not cave in.
- Limit or end contact with abusive people – including abusive family members: To piggy-back on the need for boundary setting: Once you have developed greater understanding and awareness regarding what happened to you in your family and how it has impacted you, you will no doubt begin to see (and eventually accept) that recovering from any type of abuse is not possible if we are still engaging with abusive people. Although ‘light’ contact is at times viewed as an option (I’ve had several clients care for elderly parents using this strategy), it isn’t easy, and a great deal of awareness is required to ensure that trauma symptoms are not being re-activated if you continue to engage with toxic/abusive family members.
- Pay attention to your body and your nervous system: When contemplating and practicing the preceding guiding principles, it is critical to ‘follow the wisdom of your nervous system’ and mindfully notice your body and its signals. If the guiding principles I share here seem overwhelming for you at this time, you can instead focus on developing the skill of ‘just noticing’ for now. For example, notice how you are feeling in your body when you are around certain family members. Notice any ‘health-seeking’ signals or signs of distress emanating from your body. What does your nervous system need to feel more regulated? Often what your body needs is some good, long deep breaths. If you identify as having complex trauma symptoms and/or experience anxiety, you might try this trauma-informed breathing exercise that has been empirically proven to calm the nervous system and reduce anxiety symptoms. And if ‘just noticing’ and deeply breathing is all you can manage right now, that’s good enough.
“Believe nothing. Entertain possibilities”… (!)
What’s helped you to understand and recover from narcissistic family abuse? Where do you feel stuck? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!
Rebecca C. Mandeville | Copyright 2024 | All Rights Reserved
Rebecca C. Mandeville, MA
Rebecca C. Mandeville coined the research-supported terms ‘family scapegoating abuse’ (FSA) and ‘family scapegoat trauma’ (FST) and is a recognized thought leader in understanding the consequences of being in the family ‘identified patient’ or ‘scapegoat’ role. She also created the FSA Recovery Coaching℠ process. Her best-selling book, ‘Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed’, is the first book ever written on FSA. Rebecca serves as a YouTube Health Partner via her channel ‘Beyond Family Scapegoating Abuse’ and is also active on Instagram and Facebook.
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