1. 

   Bonnie

   February 4, 2023

   Hi Rebecca,

   I was married to a covert narcissist for over 30 years. We have been divorced for two years and I have been able to successfully heal from the effects of the narcissist in my life and have been able to move on both practically and emotionally. I am experiencing an equally difficult and hurtful consequence of living within a narcissistic family system, however, in that my five adult children have recently turned on me for leaving, or attempting to leave, my role in the family as the scapegoat (I am the truth teller and empath). Some of them have been physically/emotionally absent, others have been abusive and vicious in their personal and group attacks on my character.

   I am having difficulty finding any information or videos to help someone like me, the mother, not the child, who is the family scapegoat. I now find myself at age 60 having to make the choice to break or limit contact with my own children/grandchildren. This has been extremely difficult and counterintuitive.

   I find myself at this stage in my life losing my husband, my home, my finances and now my children. Please let me know of any resources you know of that could help me make right decisions in setting appropriate boundaries with my adult children, heal from this incredible loss and rebuild my life moving forward.

   Thank you so much.

   Reply
   1. 

      Rebecca C. Mandeville, LMFT, CCTP

      February 4, 2023

      Hi Bonnie,

      This is much-needed: I wish there were two of me as the issue you bring up is one of the most difficult and challenging for adults who experience what is in a sense a form of deliberate ‘parental alienation’ at the hands of one’s own (scapegoating) parent. I hope to do a video and article on this issue soon, but having worked with so many adult survivors of FSA, I can say there is no one ‘right’ or clear way to proceed in regard to protecting yourself from FSA AND maintaining relationships with children / adult children who may be heavily influenced by a grandparent’s (false) narrative – especially if that grandparent has money or influences the family in other key ways.

      With that said, articles and books on parental alienation can be helpful. I also can recommend a facebook group where there are parents experiencing the same thing as you, so there may be help there for you as well. Link to join this private facebook is here – Rhonda is the admin: https://www.facebook.com/groups/303207147289850/

      Reply
2. 

   Kim

   January 22, 2023

   I am in Australia, which may have different laws to US.

   Feel for you. The laws certainly need revision.

   I plan to seek out a No Win No Pay law firm when the time comes.

   Good luck …. I treat it as though I have lost my $350,000 legacy, and to recoup anything is a win … and in the meanwhile I will drag out contesting the estate. Small payback for my horrid brother who has always spent money he did not have, like a millionaire

   Reply
3. 

   Rae S

   January 22, 2023

   Regarding your video on Unspoken Rules, I find these helpful when trying not to go crazy when certain behaviors are directed at or expected of me– “Oh, yeah, that’s why this is happening.”

   I’d like to suggest another. No. 11: We are not allowed to need anything. This is related to No. 9, suppressing any negative feelings or emotions. But it goes farther.

   When my husband died at 36, after two years fighting cancer, I got zero support. My family adored my husband and rallied with offers to help when he will ill. But they considered their job done with the funeral. I even had one say sister shout at me, “You, you, you! It’s always about you. What about me? When my boyfriend broke up with me? I didn’t see everyone come running to give me any support.”

   My company ran into financial trouble and lost 30% of its business in the recession of 2017/2018. According to my family, it wasn’t due to the worst economic downturn since the Depression which caused record job losses, record bankruptcies, and record business closings. It was because I was “incompetent” and “mismanaged my company.” I didn’t deserve help.

   I managed to hang on and rebuild much of what was lost. Hurricane Sandy hit in 2012 during my industry’s peak season and we had quite a few business cancellations. For a cash shortfall that totaled all of $15,000, my father walked into my house and barked “File bankruptcy!”

   Nice family! :>) ?

   With regards to No. 5, unresolved trauma can be epigenetically passed on, up to three generations forward. There is a fascinating book on this phenomenon, “It Didn’t Start with You,” by Mark Wolynn. It is about inherited family trauma and how it can affect members of future generations.

   Thank you for sharing these.

   Reply
   1. 

      raenyc

      January 22, 2023

      Correction, recession of 2007/2008.

      Reply
   2. 

      Rebecca C. Mandeville, LMFT, CCTP

      January 22, 2023

      Hi Rae, thank you for sharing this part of your story with us. Although these first 10 ‘rules’ were research driven, I have quite a few more that have been suggested by subscribers since the video came out this morning. There will definitely be a ‘More Rules…’ video coming soon. Wolynn’s book is an especially good one for scapegoat’s who identify as family Empaths to read. It is incredible to me that the great Family Systems theorist Murray Bowen was talking about ‘multigenerational transmissions’ half a century ago. So much good stuff there; one of the reasons I am doing all I can to bring Family Systems theory and research back into the conversation.

      Reply
      1. 

         raenyc

         January 22, 2023

         Your work and expertise are beyond measure of value. Thank you.

         Reply
         1. 

            Rebecca C. Mandeville, LMFT, CCTP

            January 22, 2023

            Thank you. I found a way to make lemonade out of lemons, it seems…(!)

            Reply
         2. 

            Rebecca C. Mandeville, LMFT, CCTP

            January 28, 2023

            You’re very welcome!

            Reply
4. 

   Kim M

   January 21, 2023

   Hello Rebecca
   I have been on the journey for many years to learn about Narcissim, and subsequently being a victim of abuse as the Scapegoat (in a family with Covert Narcissist mother, and ‘Malignant’ Extrovert brother who is the golden child).
   There is more information available now, fortunately – as it was a long and lonely road, trying to come to terms with no option than to walk away from family to protect my health, and little written on how to ‘survive’ from a life a trauma caused by family dysfunction.
   I think what has transpired within my family would ‘sadly’ be excellent as a case study for students! I was the 100% devoted daughter, as opposed to my brother, who did nothing to support my folks (father now deceased). The final outcome is that I have been robbed of my inheritence by my brother who achieved Power of Attorney upon my dad’s death, against Dad’s clear wishes). All monies were misappropriated. My mother of course would not consent to the Golden Child being investigated. Have since found out there was a Bond paid and monies hidden from Govt, which I will try to contest upon hear death.
   Brother successfully managed a smear campaign with Nursing Home etc, and visits with my mother are by apptment, under supervision. He claimed I was abusive.
   Under the circumstances, I have completely distanced myself from it all.
   I have no hope of maintaining any contact with any family whatsoever. Being family minded, this is nothing less than tragic. Fortunately my husband is my greatest support.
   I am 67 and have worked hard to move past a life of abuse. Still a work in progress.
   The story is long, involved and very ugly.

   Your videos are truly amazing. Thank you!

   Reply
   1. 

      raenyc

      January 22, 2023

      Kim, I am so terribly sorry to hear your story. I have been reading how this is not uncommon. Siblings end up drinking so much of the kool-aid for so long, trying to protect their position and exploit ours, that they are saturated with the poison and cannot see past the fantasy and false narrative. We never have been a human being, but always an object to manipulate for their benefit and avoid dealing with their insecurities and emotional demons.

      If they do not manage to convince parents when they are alive to cut us out, they maneuver after death to separate us from our inheritance, legally or illegally, controlling the narrative as our parents did. When funds are in a trust instead of a will, our rights can easily be even more subverted. Living through the abuse is criminal enough, but then, to suffer the added injustice, and after our parents are dead, is an unspeakable crime.

      I have been trying to prepare for the same to happen to me. My mother already denies my inheritance from my father, saying I’m not entitled until she dies, while she meanwhile controls the trust and refuse even give me copies of the documents. I have been trying to find an attorney, but no one wants to take up the case, not as long as my mother is alive and the dirty deed may not yet be officially a done deal. Emotional/narcissistic abuse has little standing in the U.S. state courts and the small handful of attorneys I found with expertise with narcissism practice mainly in divorce courts protecting children.

      But wouldn’t it be great to see a branch of probate law that can bring justice for those of us who have dealt with so much injustice our entire lives, and the many who have had our lives ruined?

      I wish you good fortune and success in your efforts.

      Reply
      1. 

         Rebecca C. Mandeville, LMFT, CCTP

         January 28, 2023

         I agree. I’d like to see this become a specialty area in probate law. I can’t even count how many people I know – clients, friends, FSA research respondents, blog and YouTube subscribers, etc, who have gone through similar things. A few have written to me after I told them to seek legal help letting me know they were able to get their rightful inheritance but only after a lawyer got involved who could deal with the scapegoating (and greedy) siblings.

         Reply
   2. 

      Rebecca C. Mandeville, LMFT, CCTP

      January 28, 2023

      Hi Kim, thank you, and what a blessing to have your husband supporting you, it can make all the difference in the world. Thank you for sharing a part of your FSA story. “Tragic” is a word I use often when discussing this form of family abuse.

      Reply

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