By Rebecca C. Mandeville, MFT
Are You In the ‘Family Scapegoat’ Role?
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15 responses to “Are You In the ‘Family Scapegoat’ Role?”
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Although having gained sobriety that lasted 17 years, when my mom went into dementia, my father and sister really battered me, and my father actually did cut me out of his Will. I broke down and drank, after all those years of having beaten that addiction. I now cannot stop. I guess I don’t want to stop, because nothing else dulls the pain of these final insults. Now, Dad is dead. My siblings do not speak to each other, and certainly not to me. I am now 61, childless and divorced, and due to the pain, kept digging for information until I found the words “family scapegoat” and all my questions have been answered. However, at my age, there is no hope for me to begin to lead a “productive, fulfilling life”. There won’t be a relationship for me. (I did, however, become a successful oil painter, and creating has been one of the most fulfilling joys in my life.) My “toxic shame” can never be alleviated or removed. Therapy has not worked…. I believe in God, in the goodness of God. And so I cannot understand how a loving God would have allowed my father and sister to have wrecked my life in such an irretrievable way. I isolate, (now) drink alone, and am slowly killing myself. I attributed my past sobriety to God removing the compulsion. I refuse to blame my relapse on myself. I don’t blame God, but I am disillusioned, and full of guilt and shame over that.
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Your feelings are very understandable, Karen. Coping with injustices that can never be made ‘right’ is one of the biggest stumbling blocks in recovering from family scapegoating abuse (FSA). Not sure if you have the link to my Psych Central blog – I wrote an article recently about the ‘Just World’ fallacy. I am wondering if you have already joined AA (?) Drinking can indeed be a form of passive suicide, as you seem to already understand. FSA is not an easy thing to recover from, but it is possible, provided that trauma symptoms are properly assessed and treated – and the therapist (or ‘coach’) is genuinely ‘trauma informed’ and meeting standards set forth by SAMHSA – something that often does not happen, sadly. Link to my blog, here: https://blogs.psychcentral.com/scapegoat-recovery/
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tesla’s mustache, i hit 15 of these marks, i’m a teen and i was just accused of faking OSDD-1b but my parents and i’ve been really struggling with why i might have it. i’m realizing that a lot of the things my parents do to me aren’t normal.
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I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was about 7… I’m now 28. I’ve been suicidally depressed since I was 4. I have always been the family dumping ground. I don’t understand how I’ve never heard of this before… I have 14 of the signs.
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Feel free to contact me directly, Leona, I may be able to provide you with more resources related to what I term Family Scapegoat Abuse (FSA).
For anyone feeling suicidal, please visit the 24 hour Suicide Hotline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or call 1-800-273-8255.
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Thanks f’or posting this RC. It took me so long to read through the article completely as my mind kept trying to distract me. I was surprised when I read paragraph about being ‘untreatable’. This has happened to me recently. The therapists I’ve wound up with just don’t get it. I don’t normally comment on facebook and twitter as my family and friends will see it and they’re all part of the problem. I’m glad to belong to your closed group on facebook where I can share what’s on my mind (when I’m ready).
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Hi Lesley,
I am so glad you found your way to my site (and other resources I offer). I hope to educate clinicians as well as suffers of scapegoating and narcissistic abuse symptoms via these resources, as well as the book I am currently working on. I look forward to getting to know you better in our group! If you know of other ‘silent sufferers’ who are ready for deep recovery and healing, please feel free to share my resource link here with others. I’ll be adding dedicated Narcissistic Recovery resource links soon as well. Link to resources here: https://linktr.ee/scapegoatguide Best, RCScapegoat & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Resources
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I am crying reading this, im 56, I am the family scapegoat. first in my childhood and it carried into my own family to this day, I can hardly do, say, think or feel anything right, im a mess according to most family members if not all, I really dont know anymore. I went to mothers day brunch with my son and his wife they invited me, we had a student staying with us that was interning at my husbands company and when my husband and I got up to go to the buffett my son and daughter in law told this student (who would only be in my life for 6 weeks) he should not get too close to me, that I was crazy, mean and a narcissist. He was shocked and bewildered why they did this and it happens with any and every person im around, they go to extremes to do this to me, but they smile to my face. Its insanity I know moms who were drug addicts and did terrible things who have family that forgace and love them….ive done nothing like that, im not perfect Ive made miatakes and ive paid dearly for them and everyone elses too, I dont know why this is happening to me. Or why my daughter wont defend me in the family she is the only one that feels bad for me….now theres a name for this, ive tried so hard to be what my family wants me to be and ive failed miserably at all of it. I dont want to live anymore, my 10 ur grandson calls me crazy grandma, wierdo, and when I retreat to my room hurt and emotional they all say see all he did was joke with her….. It never stops, I cant get off the crazy train. Thank you for this validation, im overwhelmed with emotion right now, it may have saved my life literally.
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Hi Jill, so glad you reached out. You seem to be in a lot of emotional pain (understandably) – It may be that you would benefit from receiving dedicated support from someone who understands dysfunctional family roles and dynamics – likely a licensed family therapist would be best. Do you have resources or ways to access therapists in your area? If not, you might try an online service like Betterhelp or TalkSpace. Also, I just now added ways to access my free handbook and also to be alerted of my book release on Amazon. If you go back to my home page you will see how you can get the handbook now and be notified of my book release and pre-order information.
Best, R.C.
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Thank you very much. What do you men by scars? (I just would like to know this so I know what I will have to live with).
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Hi Julian, I’m working on a book right now that will be discussing all of this – including the kinds of (invisible) psycho-emotional scars that can result from scapegoating. I also just now released a free handbook that briefly reviews scapegoat dynamics and how to heal and recover from being in this role. So just go back to my home page and you will see how to get the handbook and the book I am currently writing there! – Best, R.C.
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Hi Julian: Thank you for your comment / question. My experience has been that we can definitely heal and recover – but we will always have scars. Which only increase our ability to feel compassion toward self and others.
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Do you think it is possible to fully recover from being the family scapegoat? If not, what will remain?
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Wow RC Mandeville. You seem to hit the nail on the head every time. Thank you SO much!!
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So kind of you to comment, Wendy, glad you liked the article!
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